i write in this more:

thesamemistakes.livejournal.com

i can't do better than you.

fall is already here in full effect. i already miss summer and i can feel my bones getting colder and i feel lonelier by the hour. another year has passed, hardly anything has changed. i'm unemployed (sort of) again. i had a job for a minute that i really loved, but due to them being very irresponsible and giving a bunch of assholes 40+ hrs of overtime cos they "needed it", they were very low on employee funds, and of course the little guys like myself and a few others who ask for a meager 30 hours a week, are the ones who suffer. too long of a sentence, i know.

but, my band is going rather well. we finally started handing out our two song demo. everyone i've given it to, loves it. it seems like the offers for shows are just pouring in. when we first debuted those two songs, it was a tad disheartening feeling like no one cared. which ironically is what all of my songs are about, ha. we play all these shows with all these bands that i actually like a lot and no one cares. i feel that way at least. i'm probably generalizing most feelings towards our music, but being a depressive, i generally tend to do that. we are playing in muskegon, and in illinois in the near future and i couldn't be any more excited. well, i suppose i could. it's mostly restrained.

i had more to write, but i think i can sum it up with this: girls.

i burned a testament and misused "heaven-sent".

i feel so jaded in the sense that i can't even begin to comprehend meeting someone who would be interested in the same things as me, or at least get the same thing out of something as i do. it's not that i wouldn't really like to meet a girl that i feel something for or that feels something for me, but the whole concept of that seems so fucking bizarre and foreign that i don't even see it on any sort of horizon. i get really stupid superficial crushes on celebrities who i will very obviously never meet, and even on normal girls who i could possible interact with, but have no guts to approach.

what does it feel like to get butterflies in your stomach? what does it feel like to have your heart drop to the floor when someone enters the room? what does it feel like to get chills down your spine? i don't remember what any of these things feel like. maybe i could have these feelings, but i think i'm too afraid to open myself up that much. it seems like a lot of effort and a lot of risk to be that emotionally available, or put myself out there that much. i know the outcome of that and the feeling of rejection all too well, and it's not something i'm about to accept with open arms.

there's really nothing worse than walking the streets at night wondering if the person you're thinking about is thinking about you, and then realizing that you're giving yourself too much credit and placing just a little too much importance in yourself. i think i overestimate my the vitality of my role in others lives quite often. i could be wrong, but so far my theory seems to be getting proven each and every day.



i still want to meet someone, though. maybe i already know them.