i burned a testament and misused "heaven-sent".

i feel so jaded in the sense that i can't even begin to comprehend meeting someone who would be interested in the same things as me, or at least get the same thing out of something as i do. it's not that i wouldn't really like to meet a girl that i feel something for or that feels something for me, but the whole concept of that seems so fucking bizarre and foreign that i don't even see it on any sort of horizon. i get really stupid superficial crushes on celebrities who i will very obviously never meet, and even on normal girls who i could possible interact with, but have no guts to approach.

what does it feel like to get butterflies in your stomach? what does it feel like to have your heart drop to the floor when someone enters the room? what does it feel like to get chills down your spine? i don't remember what any of these things feel like. maybe i could have these feelings, but i think i'm too afraid to open myself up that much. it seems like a lot of effort and a lot of risk to be that emotionally available, or put myself out there that much. i know the outcome of that and the feeling of rejection all too well, and it's not something i'm about to accept with open arms.

there's really nothing worse than walking the streets at night wondering if the person you're thinking about is thinking about you, and then realizing that you're giving yourself too much credit and placing just a little too much importance in yourself. i think i overestimate my the vitality of my role in others lives quite often. i could be wrong, but so far my theory seems to be getting proven each and every day.



i still want to meet someone, though. maybe i already know them.